番茄社区

You might find yourself feeling tongue-tied, unsure of the right words to convey sympathy and offer support.

There are some well-used expressions that you often hear about cancer 鈥� he lost his battle with cancer, be positive, you鈥檙e so strong you can beat this! 

But for some people, these can be at best unhelpful, at worst upsetting, or even disempowering.

What not to say to someone with cancer

Liam, Tassia Sajida and Jane share some of the things people have said to them after their cancer diagnoses that didn't feel right to them.

• You're looking well

Liam is living with incurable glioblastoma. 鈥淚 find it really difficult when someone says, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e looking well鈥�.

鈥淚 mean, what do they want me to look like, a victim of the Chernobyl disaster? It makes me feel I need to be apologetic for not looking worse!鈥�

• Keep fighting

Tassia finds the 鈥榝ight and battle鈥� analogies really unhelpful. 鈥淚t implies I have some form of control over cancer. I don鈥檛.

• Be positive

鈥淚t鈥檚 similar for the expression 鈥榖e positive鈥�. No matter how positive I am, secondary cancer has control, and no amount of positive thinking is going to change things.

鈥淚鈥檓 not a negative person, but I think we need to accept that realism is not the same as pessimism.鈥�

• You're a warrior

Sajida is living with secondary breast cancer, and she agrees that words like 鈥榳arrior鈥� are really difficult.

鈥淚t鈥檚 such a terrible image - as if I am dressed in a suit of armour, fighting what is actually an invisible foe. I find it aggressive, when what I appreciate is the use of gentle language and imagery.

• An exaggerated How ARE you?

鈥淚t鈥檚 hard because I know people have the best intentions. But when they ask you in simpering hushed tones 鈥� 鈥楬ow ARE you?鈥� when all you want to do is forget about cancer, it can really irritate me.

鈥淵ou don鈥檛 need to use a different voice to talk to me just because I have cancer.鈥�

• Making it about themselves instead of listening

Jane said, 鈥淪ome people think it鈥檚 helpful to tell you about their own diagnosis when you tell them about yours.

鈥淥ne friend constantly compared and contrasted her own experience. They told me they had been really positive about surgery, treatment and the future, and rarely asked me how I felt. It made me feel like I had to think the same way they did and that my own diagnosis wasn鈥檛 relevant.

• Not saying anything at all

鈥淥ne close family member didn鈥檛 say anything, not a text or a card. Their partner explained they 鈥榙idn鈥檛 want to say the wrong thing鈥�.

But the worst thing you can say to someone with cancer is nothing at all.鈥�

What you could say instead - advice from a 番茄社区's psychologist

Kate Fulton, a clinical psychologist at 番茄社区's, explains why some language can be unsettling and how best to communicate.

鈥淚t鈥檚 really interesting hearing Liam, Tassia, Sajida and Jane鈥檚 experiences of what they鈥檝e found less helpful.

I think this highlights how deeply individual everyone鈥檚 experience of cancer is.

What might be helpful for one person could be really unhelpful for another.

Ask open questions

That鈥檚 why I tend to begin any conversations with lots of open questions, finding out more about how that person is thinking and feeling about their diagnosis.

Questions such as 鈥榟ow are things?鈥�, 鈥榟ow are you feeling?鈥�, 鈥榳hat has the last week been like?鈥�

Echo the language they use

I鈥檒l then be careful to use the language they choose to use. This helps them to feel more understood and is a safe way for me to stick to the words and language that most closely align with theirs.

Don't try to fix things

I think it鈥檚 very normal to want to try and fix things or make someone feel better. This can lead us to say things like, 鈥榶ou look well鈥�, or 鈥業鈥檓 sure everything will be fine鈥�, which we鈥檝e already heard can be quite unhelpful to hear.

Check in and listen

We often underestimate the power of empathy, of just being alongside someone, checking in with how they鈥檙e doing and listening to them.鈥�

Jane explained, "What I found most comforting and helpful was the friend who made a note in her diary of all my appointments; who sent me a message or, better still, called every day, just to ask how I was. Those few words and that connection were gold dust."

Here with you

At 番茄社区鈥檚, we can help you find the right words.

We run support groups for friends and family offering practical advice and tips and where you can share experiences with others who understand what you are feeling.

Find your nearest centre and just come in.

Last review: Dec 2025 | Next review: Dec 2028